Blazing Red

01. Jump
02. Crystallize
03. Pieces of Me
04. My Only Way Out Is In
05. Where Your Scar Is
06. Momma to You
07. Out to Sea
08. Why I Resist
09. Blazing Red
010. Halfway Times Two
011. Fire Sign
012. Secret Weapon
013. Giving Is Your Way of Hiding
014. If we all just worked less (A monologue)
015. Currency Is My Gift to You (A monologue)

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01. Jump c 2007

I’m ready to be afraid
I’m ready to jump
I’m ready to let you hurt me
If you must

I’m ready to cry
Because I do anyway
When I’m not doing
anything

I may as well jump
I may as well jump
for something

Oh forget what you know
And draw me with crayons
Spin around the room
With paint on your hands
See who gets covered
And when you fall down

‘Cause you’re going to crash anyway
Even if you’re stuck not moving
You can be lulled by insults
Or sharpened by love

You may as well jump
You may as well jump
for something

Maybe you should’ve left long ago
But you couldn’t bear to let go
Now you say you’ve got to
Or you’ll never know

You say: “this dive I pray will be the deepest I’ve made
And I’ll come back with everything that we’ll need
I’ll swim up from the bottom
Holding my breath ‘til I release it”

“I may as well jump
I may as well jump
for something”

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02. Crystallize c 2007

Tear apart by category
The things I believe
How sad is this long drive?
The spirit of philosophy
Emotion overwhelms
And instead decides me

I go right out of my mind
I am sleeping all the time
I’m rewriting all the fairytale endings
I will go right out of my mind
I’ll be floating just as high
As the snowflakes do before they crystallize

Am I supposed to be keeping track
of all the coincidence?
Should I treat myself in the sense
that I am fragile?

I took it all to heart
I’m putting it inside my bones
I am failing
I am falling
I am pale
I am crawling
I am hating like crumpling paper
I’m already dead
A ball of hair
A dried bee-hive
My vacant stare takes me

Right out of my mind….. Chorus….

I’m so heavy I can’t laugh
You nailed me down here to your path
Your suffering I did, tadalafil I did, thumb I do
Without romance I love
The weight is too much
I can’t get up
If there’s a toll I know how I’ll afford it

I will go right out of my mind
And stay sleeping all the time
Say they’re lies all of those fairytale endings
I will go right out of my mind
I’ll be floating just as high
As the snowflakes do before they crystallize

And fall and fall and separate
And fall and fall and separate

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03. Pieces of Me c 2007

I was the bat girl in your ball park
And to the five and dime I’d bring
All the younger ones I took care of
While you dreamed big people things

All I wanted was your love
All those people that I was
Were just pieces of me, feathers
I plumed to bring us together

I acted out
With every man I met who shared your story
I tried to make each one see
What I always wished you could see

All I wanted was your love
All those people that I was
Were just pieces of me, feathers
I plumed to bring us together

Are these your dreams I see
in my own family?
And in what I’ve become
for your love?

I don’t want to rock this boat
I’m not sure how much longer you’ll live
You look so forward to heaven
Your reward is there, but I’m still here

And it’s time I made my way in the world
Without messing up
But I hate the contrast when everyone but you
Knows who I am

Chorus

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04.My Only Way Out Is In c 2007

My only way out is in
My only way out is in
My only way all the way out is all the way in

No one loves me enough
To put up with all this stuff
I love a good man
And I love one better than him

I toggle in between
If either knew how I feel
I would have neither of them

And my only way out is in
My only way out is in
My only way all the way out is all the way in

No one loves me enough
To let my heart be as big
As it really is
To let my heart be as big as it is

No, no one loves me enough
To put up with all this stuff
To let my heart be as big as it is

And my only way out is in………

I’m going to end up alone
Like I am most days at home
Just like I am when I’m surrounded by people
Yes, I’m going to end up alone
Like I am most days at home
Just like I am when I’m surrounded by people

And my only way out is in………….

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05.Where Your Scar Is c 2007

Sister off she went
And it hurt your heart
So you buried it
Deep inside your chest
Under the papers on your desk

And I know this
That your love lives where your scar is
And I know why
Even when I’m right next to you I feel lonely sometimes

I try to wake you up
Spitting out insults
But they just bounce off your forehead
I learned not to use kind words
Never use kind words
They just scare you away

And I know this
That your love lives where your scar is
And I know why
Even when I’m right next to you I feel lonely sometimes

Sometimes the most important thing
Between two people goes unsaid
And for us it was that happiness lie ahead
We believed this so completely
In the end it would defeat me
For all I ever wanted was your love

And I know this
That your love lives where your scar is
And I know why
Even when I’m right next to you I feel lonely sometimes

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06.Momma to You c 2007

I’ve been waiting a long time
I know you’re like me but a little bit wilder
When he touches me, I feel you there
I imagine your eyes and your black hair

So I’ve been making a place for you
Not with a cradle but with each thing I do
To make myself a better woman
I hope I can become her

Could you wait a little bit longer?
Every day I get stronger
I heal those hurts inside
I make room so I can make life

So I can be momma to you
momma to you, momma to you
A good momma to you

I want to tell you that dreams come true
But first I’ve got to prove it
I don’t ever want to use you
For things I want but did not do

Could you wait a little bit longer?
Every day I get closer
I find those dreams I held inside
I let ‘em out, I let ‘em fly

So I can be momma to you
momma to you, momma to you
A good momma to you

I’m scared to death
All this anger and sadness
I’ll take it out on you
Oh I don’t want to
I’ve got so much doubt
I’ve got so much hope

I won’t tell you what the world says
I’ll ask you who you are
And what you came here for

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07.Out to Sea c 2007

You know your fear is my fear
And there’s nothing you can do to make up for this
Thank you for the coffee and the blanket for my bed
I’m grateful and I’ll take them….

While I gather all the trust in me
And swim out to sea, out to sea
I have been out there before
But when they shouted overboard
I believed I was drowning

This time I won’t come in
I’ll follow trust to its logical conclusion

All the way
‘Cause I’m not afraid
All the way
‘Cause I’m not afraid
Thank you for the coffee and the pillow for my head
I’m grateful and I’ll lie on it

While I gather all the trust in me
And swim out to sea, out to sea
I have been out there before
But when they shouted overboard
I believed I’d be lonely

This time I won’t come in
I’ll follow trust to its logical conclusion

It’s easier to be a star
If you don’t know where you are
If you are homeless
What have I been waiting for all of these years
But for you to say the coast is clear?

So I gather all the love in me
And swim out to sea, out to sea
I have been out here before
But when they shouted overboard
I believed they’d need me

This time I won’t come in
I’ll follow love to its logical conclusion

And I’ll love you
Just not the way I used to
And you will want it back
Until you see me flying

Yes, I’ll love you
Better than I used to
And you won’t even want it back
‘Cause by then you’ll be flying….

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08.Why I Resist c 2007

I’m writing you this letter from my car
I’m still wondering about the dark
Is it just like nighttime?
Some say it does not exist

I have sabotaged my own success
If there is no darkness
Why would I do it?
I am considering
I am considering this

That maybe my need to not conform
Is closer to my heart of hearts
Than is my need
Is my need to fit in

That would explain
Why I resist
That would explain
Why it’s come to this
That would explain
That would explain this

What is strange to me
Is this yearning
This yearning I am preferring
To the thing
To the thing that I love

It’s the same with the music
I choose the song
That almost delivers
I follow along
Hope it saves the best for last
I craft my story just like that

And that would explain
Why I resist
That would explain
Why it’s come to this
That would explain
That would explain this

It took a while for me to include you
In my nighttime prayers
It took a while for me to include you
Now you’re always there
And at first your love is just how I want it
I don’t worry about your death
Then it sneaks in
And I ache for your happiness

And nothing explains
Why I can’t resist
Nothing explains
Why it’s come to this
Nothing explains
Nothing explains this

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09.Blazing Red c 2007

I know the rules
When I’m with Tommy my friend
I give all of my eye contact
To his girlfriend

Then I’m not a threat
But even when I do it perfect
She sometimes still gets scared
I won’t hurt you

Blazing red
Don’t you lie down dead
Don’t you drink that poison
It’s no good for you

I can mind my manners
And treat your mother nice
All the women who gave birth to us
I recognize
I see when they are happy for us
And when they misunderstand
I’m carrying a torch for them
I won’t get burned by it

Chorus

Instead of getting smaller
Instead of lowering my head
I become my soul
I become my soul
And it’s blazing red

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010.Halfway Times Two c 2007

I saw my scrunched up nose
In that old photo
Even as a young girl
I was the clown

Entertaining the guests
Family demanded it
It was the same with you
I came halfway times two

To greet you
To show you
To treat you
To give you

Baby I just want to tell the truth
But the truth, it moves
I’m gonna do right by you
Even if I lose

And I get out my dancing shoes
This holiday to dance for you
I come halfway times two

To greet you
To show you
To treat you
To give you
Love………

Maybe your way was just quiet
Maybe I should’ve tuned in to it
Maybe I scared you with my love so loud
Maybe you needed to turn me down

I’ve been daydreaming for a decade for you to meet me halfway. For you…

To greet me
To show me
To treat me
To give me
Love…………
Love…………

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11. Fire Sign c 2007

Fire sign you held my wings
In between your fingers, you said
These are the most beautiful things
Maybe it was a prayer
Whispered by a sage
But I wanted to be your “it” girl
I wanted to be your sexy thing (and)

I forgot who I am
This happened
While I was chasing your love
While I was chasing your love
While I was chasing your love down

Baby it’s not your fault
We bring the love we’re made of
We lived in a mansion with so many doors
I wanted to be standing behind the one you were headed for

And I forgot who I am….

Maybe it seemed like me
But I couldn’t tell the difference between us
You taught me to get close
And I was…
Dreaming your dreams
I was speaking your words
I was screaming your screams (and)

I forgot who I am………..

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012. Secret Weapon c 2007

My secret weapon is a little girl
Maybe you are getting lost on purpose
If boredom is the enemy
Fear is the cure
All paths are really a circle

So sunny
But so lonely
Bright and yellow
No one’s home in my town

I am jealous that this is just another place to you
A hotel, roadside restaurant with no past
But I am from here and my heart it feels rejected
They won’t be strangers to you forever

So sunny
But so lonely
Bright and yellow
No one’s home in my town

My secret weapon is a little girl
Maybe you are getting lost on purpose

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13. Giving Is Your Way of Hiding c 2007

I hear you telling lies
To those we barely know
My love for you it grows
‘Cause I believe you save the truth just for me

In your eyes, I’m beautiful
If it is just the thrill
It’s got a hold on me
You share your body
Giving is your way of hiding
Giving is your way of hiding

I am here
Deep inside my weakness
Wanting to believe
Your shining glass

I feel like the luckiest woman alive
As you lie there naked and ask me what I’d like
I can never call your carefully constructed bluff
Giving is your way of hiding
Giving is your way of hiding

How to be lonely
While you’re surrounded by people
Never say goodbye
If you won’t let go
There’s no hello, hello, hello
Hello, hello, hello, hello
There’s no hello, hello, hello
Hello, hello, hello, hello

You gave me the tools I’d need
But I chased poverty
Hoping I’d find the child
Before he learned how to survive

You before the passing time
You before you left yourself behind
Before giving was your way of hiding
Giving was your way of hiding
And now giving is my way of hiding
Giving is my way of hiding……

I’m just like you
I love just like you

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014. If we all just worked less (A monologue)

He worshipped me
and I worshipped you
And they said:
This is why we got rid of the pagans
It was too confusing
All the gods crying out with their ferocious passions

We picked one God
Told the rest their power had gone out in an electric storm
They believed
I think they were relieved

Now there was one way
One woman, one man, and one or two or many babies
We built up myths around this path
We’re even behind the magazines
It’s not always working, but
the plan: keeping women fearful and looking outside themselves
and keeping men and women working all the time
even in their free time

Now if we could just stop this
If we all just worked less….
Come on, let’s just working less….starting….now

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015. Currency Is My Gift to You (A monologue)

Currency is my gift to you
But I am not a prostitute of song
Currency is my dharma
And I cannot forget
I’ve been holding back an ocean
No wonder I feel like this between my legs
Anytime it’s inappropriate
Anytime I’m not supposed to
‘Cause holding back the ocean
Is hard to do
And after a while it doesn’t want to come through
Only when I tell it to
But when I tell it no
It likes to joke
Did I know the ocean has a sense of humor?
Who am I against the ocean?
What I am to me and you is currency
I am not a prostitute
I am truth
And staying current is my gift to you