Black Notebook

01. Take Your Desire
02. Your Heart is For Breaking
03. Black Notebook
04. Old Man by 21
05. Too High
06. Spinning
07. Megan & Kevin
08. Bellyside
09. Mary
10. I Want to Fly
11. Melancholy

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01. Take Your Desire

I was there at a standstill
On the highway today
As that woman got out of her car
To take some sun
We both noticed
I returned to my book
But I would remember to bring her up

I take your desire
Not just for me
I take all of it inside me

You caught me as he walked into that place
You read it in my eyes
You read it on my face
You said “I love to imagine and no I don’t mind
The pleasure of watching would be divine”

Take your desire
Not just for me
Tell me about it
Take every detail out on me

It’s not that I want more than you
I just love to run your horizon
It’s dangerous to face that edge
But I’ll catch you if you fall
For I’ve fallen from there

I feel vulnerable again
To walk outside of jealousy
I’ve got to walk outside of my skin
Which I will shed at our bed for the light
This is not of this world
I feel full within tonight

I take your desire
Not just for me
I take all of it inside me
Take your desire
Not just for me
Tell me about it
Take every detail out on me

© 2000

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02. Your Heart is For Breaking

Well it broke her heart
But if it didn’t break
She would have kicked it in
And kicked it in anyway
At least since it broke her heart
She remembered why we do this

Whether you’re listening
Or not listening
We’re going to kick it out
And kick it out gladly
If it had been perfect
She would not remember why we do this

Your heart is for breaking
Your troubling path
Makes you see beauty
You otherwise never would have

She sits at her piano
You down with your pen
Another at his canvas
And we all begin to speak
As the tears come raining down
We wonder why
We kept the pain locked up inside

Our hearts are for breaking
Our troubling path
Makes us see beauty
We otherwise never would have

Well it broke her heart
But if it didn’t break
She would have kicked it in
And kicked it in anyway
And if it had been perfect
She would not remember why we do this

Your heart is for breaking
Your troubling path
Makes you see beauty
You otherwise never would have
Our hearts are for breaking
Our troubling, tiresome path
Makes us write letters to our loved ones
Gives us stories we can tell

© 1999

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03. Black Notebook

I’m going to open up my black notebook
To see what I might find
I’m going to open up my black notebook
To the very last entry to find
I fell in love with a woman that day

Oh I fell in love with a woman that day
And it made me feel ugly
‘Cause we’re the same
Except she’s so much better
We’re the same, she’s better
Yes…

She cuts to my heart
Like no man could ever do
‘Cause every bit of healing
Or giving in is guarded
She cuts to my heart
Like no man could ever do
‘Cause she knows I’m not a victim

I’m going to open up my black notebook
To the very first page to find
I fell into a hate with you that day
You never took me as I was
When I was sad you made me bigger
When I was too happy you said it figured

I like the fire in your daring eyes
But your grip on me has made me wither
I know where you learned this always wanting more
Haven’t we been through this lesson before?
You learned it from your mother
And her from her mother before

She cuts to my heart
Like no man could ever do
‘Cause every bit of healing
Or giving in is guarded
She cuts to my heart
Like no man could ever do
‘Cause she knows I’m not a victim

Rosemary, Rosemary, Rosemary
I’m reaching for you
How did it come to be
That the keepers were hated?
A woman said to me
“Don’t make me feel guilty, not again”
I say “Don’t look to me for approval
And I won’t look to you anymore”
I won’t look to you
I’ll just love you
How I love you
How did it come to be
That the keepers were hated?

What we don’t like about ourselves
We toss around and pass
To someone else
We are all tied up in each other
I can’t distinguish my frame
If you were my mother, you’d say
“Let’s do it today”
If you were my grandmother, you’d say
“I’ll make everything okay”
If you were my girlfriend, you’d say
“I almost like you”
If you were my sister, my neighbor,
Or my best friend, we’d all be talking at once
We’d all have two cents
Two cents of security in our bag

© 1998

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04. Old Man by 21

Maybe you’ll find
Some peace of mind
Which is more than what I have
We say something is wrong
And it is
But I don’t know the secrets
To how to live either

Maybe you’ll run away
Maybe we’ll run away
From how we’ve been feeling
Maybe to us you’ll cease to speak
We’ll be unable to keep
Our memory of you burning

I knew you when
I knew you when
I wanted to be like you

When your power
It was too much
You could too easily
Walk across
The barriers, through the dwellings
You wondered why it was because
As a child you were so able

You could organize the people
So it came as no surprise
That you had the first and the most girlfriends
You were our emcee of life
So it came as no surprise
That you were an old man by twenty-one

I knew you when
I knew you when
I wanted to be like you
When doing well
Versus not doing well
We’d say “whatever that means”
Doing well
Versus not doing well
We’d say “whatever that means”

I show the disgust on my face
You try to please me in haste
To stop all of this family’s bleeding
Our mother, she tries to translate
She says it looks like hate
But you kids are just heartbroken

I know it was hollow here
All the achievement and the cheer
That left you feeling empty
You wondered why it was because
As a child you were so able

Chorus

Maybe you’ll find
Some peace of mind
Which is more than what I have

© 1999

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05.Too High

I saw that movie
She looked just like you
She acted just like you
It was the story of us two

She was the bad one
And she smoked
But she convinced me
To go for broke
I knew I could not live without her

I loved you
And maybe that’s why
We liked the same boy
I loved you
And maybe that’s why
My expectations of my friends
Were too high

When you leaned towards the dark side
I could not believe it
For you had taught me
Everything I knew of light and laughter
We laughed so much
Now you told me to hush
You said “They can hear us through the walls”

I love you
And maybe that’s why
We like the same boy
I love you
And maybe that’s why
My expectations of my friends
Are too high

I’m sorry, babe, I cannot go
For the thing I fight against
Is the thing I depend on

© 2000

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06. Spinning

You wrung out the washcloth
The water is gone
Your prize for explaining
Is a dried-up sponge
I collected the drain hair from my tub
When I let out the water
Did I let out love?

I’m just spinning again
Spinning, trying to put my finger on it

I know what your problem is
You always see both sides
This leads to indecision
Gives you paradox pride
An oval never fit inside a round hole
Integration is the cross of this Gemini soul

She’s just spinning again
Spinning, trying to put her finger on it

Two eyes, not the same shape
Twins play while I wait
Two eyes, not the same shape
Twins play while I nervously await
Some symmetry

The man on the trapeze
Will stand and arrive
But it’s the curve of the swing
That gets the audience quiet
I may know this and still put on
My fashion show of lust
The cleverness of my newest lines
Shows my ignorance

© 1999

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07. Megan & Kevin

I’m not sure exactly how it happened
But as I recall the first time I saw Kevin
He was exiting Homer’s Ice Cream
As Meg and I were driving by
And she said “That’s him! That’s Kevin!”
And I said “Wow, he’s cute!
Should we go get him?”
And she said “No way- seriously,
He has no idea who I am”
And I said “Really Meg
Is that why he’s looking your way?”
As I honked the horn and whistled away
She was kind of mad at me
But she was smiling when she said:

I’m not sure if he likes me…

Now I’m not sure what Kevin
Thought or said
‘Cause I was with Megan instead
But I could just imagine
I could imagine what he was thinking
“Gosh, those girls as they drove by
The one I like she looked me in eye
But then they both busted up
Laughing in my face
Sped up and drove away
Oh, I wonder…”

I’m not sure if she likes me…

As Meg and I went roaring
Down the road
We decided definitely needed a plan
‘Cause when you live in Wilmette, Illinois
And the only thing to do
Is hang out at the 7- 11 parking lot
You always need a plan
“Should we call him?” “No”
“Should we introduce ourselves?” “No”
“Should we go to where he might be hanging out?”
“Mmm… No”
“Should we stalk him?” “Definitely!”
I said that’s what I would do
But what Megan had said
It was not true
That Kevin didn’t know who she was
For when we pulled up to her house
He was there
And I said:

Meg I think he might like you…

Now it’s true that Kevin
Never actually got out of his car that night
And that as Megan and I pulled up to his car
He immediately drove away
But it wasn’t long after that night
That I stopped seeing my best friend
On a regular basis
Because she was with her new boyfriend
I soon got used to it
And later I came to be amazed by them
That by listening and by watching the road
They could know who they loved at age sixteen
So I don’t have too much to say
On this most beautiful wedding day
Much of what I learned
I learned from them

But one last thing
For you Megan…

I’m quite sure that he likes you
I’m real sure that he likes you
I’m very sure that he likes you

© 1998

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08. Bellyside

As we lay here furious and damaged
I just want to reach over and touch you
I know we’re in the middle of a ripping fight
As I frantically race for my next point
Oh, if I could just forget
What the heck I’m yelling for
I’d lay my head in that space
Between your chin and your shoulder

Rub my bellyside
It’s soft, my bellyside
And it won’t give you
The evil eye like I will
It’s tender and it can’t frown
My soft side is always around
If you can find it

Thanks for your letter
You say you love it when I smile
And that happiness comes to you easy
You wish it would come to me once in a while
I try to be romantic
But then I’m hard
And you love me anyway
And I come crashing down

As you rub my bellyside
It’s soft, my bellyside
And it won’t give you
The evil eye like I will
It’s tender and it can’t frown
My soft side is always around
If you can find it

And I know that you love me
And for a moment, I love me too

I try to teach you lessons
That you never get
To me they seem like common sense
Don’t give me the phone
If I don’t feel like talking
No, I can’t tell your mom
It’s something you have to say
And no, it’s not okay
But you never understand
And you never understand
And then I finally understand
It’s not important

As you rub my bellyside…

© 1999

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09. Mary

Are the outside walls of your house
Made out of bookshelves facing out?
Do you house a gorilla in the back?
Does he live in silence with a bag on his head?
Do you go to the grocery to seek your light?
Does he begin to tremble when he hears you in sight?
Do you have more in common with your childhood enemy
Than you do with your old best friend, Mary?

I had a best friend and her name was Mary
She was my golden apple
I had a best friend and her name was Mary
She was my golden apple

I wouldn’t believe you if you crossed your heart
Said we’d grow up in the same town, but be so far apart
And if you swore to God and hoped to die
That there’d be no reason why

Chorus

All the girls fill the dreams
I never knew Christina
Was crying to create
Parking lot, playground, small town
I never knew Christina was crying

We tried on makeup
And we tried to get thin
The boys on our 5th grade soccer team
Said we could be skins
Are you a helper deep down inside?
Did things get too twisted for you to stand upright?

© 1997

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010. I Want to Fly

Maybe she said she was going to tell
She was going
Or maybe he knew she was going to tell
She was going

The back, the back, the back
I didn’t know it was your back
Oh run away Suzanne
Run through the woods
Run there
Are you at home in bed?, aware?, scared?
It’s so dark there
I feel it in the air
The rage is still under the surface

I want to fly
Give me your pain
I’ll take it away
My troubled people

Maybe she said she was going to tell
She was going
Or maybe she knew she was going to die
She was going

I want to fly
Give me your pain
I’ll take it away
My troubled people

Oh give yourself over to the answers
Oh give yourself over to the medicine
Oh give yourself over to the answers
Oh give yourself over to the medicine
Suzanne, where was God?
Suzanne, where was….

I understand
I understand
I move from the most innocent to the guiltiest
into another land……..

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011.Melancholy

Now that I’m not goal-oriented anymore
What will this song mean
When many days have passed?
Now that I remember your love and what it can do
What will your love mean
When many days have passed?

I feel the melancholy, I feel it
I feel the melancholy, I feel it

Your life so special
You were so mean and so kind
What will your life mean
When many days have passed?
Will my love diminish, if I understand your mystery?
What will my love for you mean
When many days have passed?

I feel the melancholy, I feel it
I feel the melancholy, I feel it

Why ain’t it normal to say
And why ain’t it common to say
I’m dying, I’m dying, I’m dying, I’m dying?

What’s your favorite mealtime?
Your favorite couch to lie?
Do you like ice cream?
Do you take to the bath?
I’m sure we could arrange it
We could all come over
Sitting shiva while you’re still here

I feel the melancholy, I feel it
I feel the melancholy, I feel it

© 1997